I have a blog, thats right...

I forgot that I started this.  I have a tendency to do that- begin something that I think I'll like, and then just forget that I was interested.  Exhibit A- my garden.  I live on the third floor of our building and have a great deck out front.  Our first year in our new home, I insisted that we get a few pots so that I could plant a garden.  It was really beautiful- I loved leaving our curtains open so that I could see the flowers when we were in our living room.  That is, of course, until I killed them all.  I just never watered them.  I forgot.

I forget a lot of things.  At work, a few people (especially my wonderful assistant) always make fun of me because i forget EVERYTHING.  It only takes a few seconds- someone will ask me to bring them something, and as soon as I leave the room I forget my main objective and go on doing something completely different than what I was going to do.  When it comes to important things, I need to write it down, or else it doesn't get done.

It's like I only use half my brain sometimes. I lose everything that isn't attached to me.  My father's favorite quote, I'm convinced, is "Tiffany, open your eyes and pay attention". (As I typed that, I can literally hear his voice and see his face, full of frustration with me).  I've always had this little "problem".  Luckily, I've married a man who has more patience than any person I've ever met, and who has only been married to me long enough to think that my forgetfulness is charming.  I would be lost without him- and I certainly wouldn't ever be able to find my car key!

I need to really start becoming more aware of what is going on around me.  I feel like this problem is a catalyst for my lack of commitment to myself.  I able to shrug off my lack of motivation and blame it on my forgetfulness.  Yes- I am forgetful, and I probably always will be.  But, it's not an excuse for "forgetting" that I am on a diet and not eating properly.  It's not an excuse for "forgetting" that I didn't hit the snooze button so that I could get some exercise in before my day starts.  I need to take full control over myself.  It's okay for me that I am a disaster, but its not okay with me that I am unhealthy.  I have been doing well since my last post- unfortunately, I haven't lost any weight, but I am more active.  Not necessarily physically active, but active nonetheless.  I've started a book club, I'm taking cake lessons, Rich and i completed an 8 week Ballroom Dancing class.  I'm living and loving my life, and I'm done with letting my weight stop me from realizing my dreams.  And my dreams aren't something that I can easily forget.

Today is the First Day of the Rest of My Life.

My entire life I have struggled with my self image. I mean, literally, my entire life.  I can remember being in elementary school and being self conscious that i couldn't sit down and reach past my toes when I stretched and that my calves jiggled more than the other girls when we sat with our knees to our chests.  In High School, while everyone else was shopping at Deb and Joyce Leslie, I had to buy jeans from the Gap because they were the only ones that fit without allowing my ass to hang out when I sat down in the desks.  College- we all have heard of the "Freshman 15' that for me was the Freshman 50... or maybe 60... but not until now do can I honestly look at myself and say I feel FAT.  Before, when I was in the privacy of my own house or bathroom, I thought I was pretty okay looking.  But now... Yikes.  No mirror on Gods green earth, no amount of my favorite alcoholic beverage, and no picture can trick my mind into thinking that I am still okay. I look, and feel, Fat.  I feel fat when i sit, when I stand, when i sleep, when i'm awake, when I'm doing nothing, and when I'm exerting myself.  I am uncomfortable in every chair out in public, I am uncomfortable in my clothes, I am uncomfortable driving in my car with my coat on.  I hate the way I look in pictures... and i LOVE pictures. Its just gotten to a point that I am FINALLY unhappy enough to do something about it. Its not like I had an "aha" moment or anything, but I am just having too much fun living my life to be living it uncomfortable.

i am not saying these things to make you feel uncomfortable.. trust me, I'm feeling enough of that for all of us... but to help you understand why i NEED to do this.  The worst thing a fatty can hear is "oh, stop it Tiffany, you're not fat"... or.... "Stop Tif, you're so pretty I don't know why you feel that way"... or..." Shut up, you're being ridiculous".  I'm not ridiculous, and when I say these things, I am NOT eliciting compliments.  I know I'm an awesome person.  I know I am pretty.  Notice I never said I think I'm ugly, because I don't.  I think I am Fat, and those are two very different concepts.  I know I'm an awesome person- I am living my life with the most fun family and awesome friends in the world, and I am having the best time of my life doing it. I'm not depressed, i love my life.  But I hate the way i feel day to day.

So, here's this blog.  i know its hard to have a conversation with someone that makes them feel uncomfortable, but I need to get these feelings off my chest.  I need someone to understand how I am feeling without seeing the look of uncomfortable sympathy on their faces as I tell them. And most of all, I need support, because starting January 2, 2011, I am making a promise to myself to change.  Of course there are lots of other motives, which I will expose as I blog more, but I wanted to introduce my feelings on a very surface level so that you understand.  I don't want to be felt sorry for- I'm fat, and I am still loving my life. i LOVE my life.  But now its time for me to love myself, too. So, welcome to my blog, and welcome to my adventure in improving the life that I love to live.